First day of being 25

And it doesn't feel very different from 24. I still can't even believe Christmas eve is tomorrow. Where has the end of this year gone? I got together with some great friends last night at our new favorite bar downtown. We all sat and talked for a few hours under a candlelit tent, enjoying the cool weather and eachother's company. It was a low-key evening, but exactly what I wanted.

Ahg, I feel so emotional these days. I struggle to hold back tears when I think about 2009 coming to an end. What an epic, ridiculous year.

Here is me today at 3 1/2 months....and a picture of me and my uncle at 3 1/2 years old.

Nostalgic.

The other day I started to reminisce about 2008 and everything that had happened from then until now. I went back and began reading my very first posts in this blog and couldn't help but become immersed in the crazy beginnings of my life in the big apple. I am so amazed at how much I had experienced while I was in NYC....and that I had the guts to go in the first place considering the small town that I was leaving and the vastness of the one that would soon become my home. It began so frantically - "You have to be there in two weeks from now if you take this position!" I sold everything I possibly could in two week's time and packed what was left into four precious boxes. I gave my dog of five years away and said goodbye to friendships that ultimately wouldn't survive the miles separating us. I remember sitting on the airplane and giggling the entire time....my nerves were so intense and my anxiety was skyrocketting but I was too excited to care. I read the "Tourist's guide to New York" front and back over and over again and tried desperately to ignore the handwritten letter hiding on the inside flap from someone I once loved. From the moment I hopped off of the escalator in the JFK airport, the days flew by....each one bringing their own whirlwind of emotions. I always have flashbacks of how terrified I was taking my first subway train by myself, how taken aback I was by the city skylines while speeding down the BQE in a blaze of red. All of the friends that came into my life so quickly and and out of it just as fast. I remember my first steps in that elusive white tent at Bryant Park. There was that night where we drove to Philly just for the hell of it. And that time I accidentally got on the wrong train (three times) and ran into a friend who I knew from my 17 year-old days in California. I moved four times in one year. I worked so hard to accumulate my own personal belongings and then worked so hard to control my emotions when it came time to throw all of them, bug-ridden, in a trash pile on the side of the road. I remember the smell of the steam that came out of the streets, the first time it snowed and how exciting it was. Having to pull a chain that lifted a metal gate in order to get into my store and then having grease all over my hands afterward. I remember feeling so lonely. So lonely. But that lonliness only made me appreciate those who embraced me right away so much more. I loved Astoria more than any other part of the city. I miss our apartment and how homey it felt. I didn't mind the 11-block hike from the train up 30th avenue because I enjoyed walking past the fruit stands, meat shops and bodegas. I miss sitting on the fire escape and drinking beer on the roof in the middle of the night with Mike...staring at the skyline and thinking to myself that there were more people on that island than there were stars that I could see in the sky.

Although there is so much that I miss, I remember how anxious I was to get out of Manhattan. I remember walking through central park on my lunch breaks, crying and trying my hardest to get through the work day....daydreaming about a house with a backyard. Maybe even having a dog again someday. To be honest, it's hard looking back because I think the only thing that really made it difficult living there was my job. I always wonder....if I hadn't been working 60+ hours a week for a major corporation, and instead had done something for MYSELF that simultaneously was financially lucrative, would I have stayed? How could a retail environment be SO stressful when there are people who survive in that city who find themselves in much more intense work situations? I'll never know.

Mike, Rupert and I spent five days in a Budget truck driving across the country. When we arrived to our new house, I remember sitting at our breakfast table next to eachother and bursting into tears because I was so happy to feel normalcy again. It was a weird moment between us. Me feeling happy, Mike feeling anxious about this place that is so different from anything he has ever known. Plus it was 105 degrees outside. Six months later, our lives are entirely different from the ones we knew at the beginning of 2009.

I'm going to be 25 in 11 days. We live in Texas again..... and we're having a baby next year. So so so different from my life a year ago. It's amazing to wonder what experiences the next year will bring.

It's supposed to SNOW tomorrow?!

The last five months of living in Texas have definitely been an adventure, that's for sure. I have been struggling being back, only because it is difficult trying to make this the perfect place to be while we are simultaneously nostalgic for past cities, experiences and good friends. Mike has been working so hard to build a place for himself here. Meanwhile, Jessica and I have been brainstorming our future fashion-venture. Our wheels are turning even though we are feeling a bit stagnant. However, an amazing perk to Austin, which I have always thought, is that it would be such a wonderful place to raise a family. So....well....here it goes....


6 weeks

9 weeks

11 weeks.... getting thicker!

11 1/2 weeks, about the size of a large plum!

Of course I knew I was pregnant this whole time, but it has been so hard to really have faith that my body was building a little baby for the last few weeks. Yesterday at our pre-natal visit, we finally had physical proof of the baby's existence. I kept telling our midwife that I was nervous there wasn't going to be anything in there and that I'd be so embarassed if it turned out I just had a three-month long stomach flu! That anxiousness disappeared right away when she started pressing on my stomach with the little ultrasound tool. The heartbeat was hard to hear at first, especially when I kept laughing and throwing off the ultrasound....but gosh, what a feeling to hear that little whispy sound coming from my stomach!!! And then she caught an image of the little guy (or girl) and Mike and I were just sitting there....staring at it and looking back and forth at eachother. I don't know about him, but I kept thinking....is that really a BABY?! I see an EAR!! It is still completely shocking to know that I am growing a little person in there. The next six months are going to be an adventure, that's for sure. But the good news is that I think Austin is a great place to be while Mike and I power forward into this new life we've created!

More updates to come soon...... now that I finally have something exciting to document. :)

Trying to get back into the Texas groove....

Although it has been a bit of an adjustment for Mike and I, the kitties seem to be enjoying themselves. Now if we could only have some fall weather up in here.... we could leave the door open all of the time.

On our way!

Started in Baltimore, stopped in DC, drove back through Maryland, Virginia, West Virginia...now we're in TN!






We are in Tennessee now...getting ready to leave our motel and head to the Smokey Mountain National Park to take the scenic route to Chattanooga. We'll get to Texas either SUPER late tonight or tomorrow!

More to come! :)

Last day in NYC

I'll wake Mike up in twenty minutes to walk down with me to pick up our moving truck. I can't believe we are actually leaving. It feels so weird. I'm looking around at our apartment...there is still so much to be done. Well, packing last minute kitchen stuff and just cleaning everything. Won't be too bad.

My last day yesterday at work was so sad. I spent the morning cleaning out my desk and trying to organize the upstairs office as best as I could. I goofed off with Miche and Claudia for the majority of the days. Those girls make me laugh so much. Lori and Meredith came to say goodbye to the old manager and hello to the new one, that evening. We also found a living/dying rat in the bathroom (eeeeek!!!) The four of us finished off my day at work by me reciting the names of my favorite NYC clientele in my notorious New York/Tara's Grandma voice. I was so sad to leave the girls though. I didn't cry until the end when I actually realized that I wasn't going to be able to spend my days with my best girlfriends here in the city. In the end, it didn't come down to the fashion....it was never about the fashion. It was about the relationships that I built with the people around me. I'll remember all of these experiences forever. All of the incredible people I met here in NYC will forever leave a lasting impression on me. I've had a really challening year managing these stores, but I wouldn't have been able to get through it on a day to day basis with out the beautiful girls at the boutiques and the incredible customers who I was able to share my days with.

Thank you so much guys.

(The beautiful roses that Lori brought me! ...and Rupert sniffing them. Dude, cat, do you have any idea you're about to travel across the country?)

Goodbye, New York City! Helllloooooooooooooo Baltimore and Texas!

Natural history museum!

We took a break from packing and went to the museum yesterday. It was weird seeing so many cool animals...that were dead. I kept getting really excited each time we would approach a new animal area, but my happiness would immediately turn to creeped out when I would realize that we were touring a museum of death and extinction. Wahh wahhhhhhh.

None the less....a great place for a photo op!

The first step is admitting you have a problem..

Here is the majority of the baggage we are going to be moving back to Texas. The sad part is that A. everything is mine from the second bedroom B. it is all filled with Betsey Johnson stuff (dresses, shoes, purses, etc.) C. the house is almost empty and Mike hasn't packed any of his things yet. I counted 39 dresses....and that's with me struggling to get rid of as many as I could.

What's wrong with me :(

My new pride and joy...

This baby has sadly gone out of production :( BUT....we were able to find one of the last ones down the street from us in Queens. Mike and I picked her up yesterday.

Oooooooooooooooooooh!! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!! Drooooooooool.

Eight days left in NYC

...and I get cold feet about moving every 30-45 minutes during the day. Yesterday I sat in my typical lunch-eating spot in Central Park on my break. It was a beautiful day, people were smiling (good god!), tourists were excited to be in the city, I watched a rabid squirrel steal an elderly woman's roast beef sandwich...and there I was contemplating whether we were making the right choice about leaving. It's a scary thought, retreating back to a city that you left because you were feeling a bit unfulfilled at the time. But maybe "retreating" is the wrong word. I think "hauling ass" might be more acurately descriptive. I feel like I have worked really hard to keep up a high enough moral to live in this city on a daily basis. I've battled a lot of stress, whether it was stress that came from the store, how expensive everything is, the WINTER. I never experienced those kinds of emotions back in Texas. I was more concerned with dachsunds, sewing, school, that there was an IKEA twenty minutes away.... I never once felt panicked or unsure of myself. I spent a little while yesterday re-reading a lot of my older blog posts from when I first arrived here. There were many subtle signs of frustration and discouragement about living in this city. But gosh, the hardest part about being here is that literally you love it one week and you absolutely despise it the next. The drastic fluxuation of emotion that I have felt makes me feel bipolar sometimes. And it isn't just me...it happens to everyone I know who lives in one of these five boroughs. One minute you're happyvand feeling so lucky to live in such a bustling environment, the next you feel like you're batteling an angry depression monster that is trying to take your soul!!

Ahhhhhhg. I am really excited about going to Austin though. I think Mike and I will enjoy it (despite the 100 degree weather right now!!) and, if anything, it's a place for us to go to chill out for a bit, be around family and friends and enjoy life until we figure out what our next destination will be. I can't wait to figure out what will become of my career. I can't believe that I am going to be 25 in five months. This year has flown by. :(

On a side note, I'm leaving work early today and rushing back to Queens to meet Keith, the sewing machine enthusiast who works at the Singer store down the street. He is going to give me a lesson on my new industrial singer sewing machine that Mike and I are buying this afternoon (thanks mom!!!) :) :) We saw it while my mom was in town last week visiting. As we innocently sat at "Guacamole" eating the best burritos that the north east has ever seen, Mike spotted the Singer store next door and rushed inside to tell me that the sewing machine of my dreams was in the front window. I can't wait to start sewing again....and once I get back to Austin I'm going to take some more pattern making classes. I haven't touched my machine in over a year :( Superrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whew, it's already 9! I better get ready for ze'old work. With that, I will leave you with the latest picture that Mike took yesterday of our gorgeous feline. Rupert, you're such a stud muffin.

Wowwww....

Almost two months without a single post! I'm so sorry, little blog!

I can say without any hesitation that these last few months have been some of the most crazy and eventful ones I've experienced in a long long time. You would think that such times would allow for some incredibly entertaining blog posts, but unfortunately I just couldn't bring myself to sit down at the end of the day and recap prior events because I was just too freakin' EXHAUSTED!

The craziness all began back in May, when my devastatingly handsome boyfriend (hehe!) moved up here from Baltimore. The state of the economy was a hard blow to his moral as he went to interview after interview (along with twenty other candidates each time) for a few months. It was pretty shocking for both of us that he couldn't find a job, as qualified as he is. Meanwhile, I have been spending 40-55 hours a week slaving a way at my behemoth of a store trying to get the staff efficient, the stock organized, inventory under control, operational tasks completed, coaching, etc etc etc. On our way home from our busy days, we'd get crammed onto the trains, pushed and bumped on the streets, scowled at while trying to make small talk with strangers...and I'm pretty sure that my excessive use of hand sanitizer has equipped my immune system with the ability to fight against ANY germ for the rest of my eternal existence!! (is that good or bad?!) Both of us have been entirely too stressed out by so many factors for a little too long for comfort. I looked at Mike one day while we were eating poorly made Subway sandwiches in Strawberry Fields on my lunch break. We were both sitting in silence, dressed up in our nice clothes watching squirrels run around on a small patch of uncommon grass while tourists rode around on bikes and took pictures. Suddenly it came to me, "Why are we here?...I mean, if we're so unhappy...why don't we just move somewhere else?" A little light bulb flashed above his head and we both looked at eachother considering our options. Later that day, I started contemplating where to go. We concluded that a move back to Austin made sense. It is a place where we already have friends and family and an easy town to get back on our feet and save some money. Soooooooooooo.....we're moving back to Texas at the end of the month!

Of course, I have been really nervous about leaving my job. It has been something I've worked so hard for for three years. I have struggled with my decision internally for quite some time. Tara #1, how could you possibly give up a life time opportunity to manage a designer store in Manhattan to go back to Texas and potentially wait tables? Oh Tara #2, you're so silly...don't you realize how much happier you'd be if you weren't crying and stressed out all of the time about sales figures and corporate visits?" I think that I had the same kind of feelings while I was in college. I remember thinking, "No job will ever make me feel as stressed out as I do right now!" Well, Betsey made me get pretty close, but I remember as soon as I graduated, I didn't care WHAT I was doing for a job, as long as I didn't feel that way anymore. Funny enough, I have the same feeling right now. Waiting tables would make my day if it meant that I didn't have to worry about a million of the thngs that I do on a daily basis here. It's funny how the situations can change but the lessons you learn are still the same...

I've also had cold feet about leaving NYC. It's an amazing, bustling city, that's for sure. But for me, I feel like the amount of time I put into working in order to make enough money to live here just isn't worth it in the long run. I feel like I sacrifice SO much of my "Tara" time to feel comfortable living here. For some, it's an easy exchange. They can work a million hours a day and still have it in them to go out at night and live happily. For me, though, I just need more substance to my life. I want a cute little house so badly, a nice yard to BBQ in and have fun with friends and family, I want to be able to hop in a car and listen to my OWN music and arrive to places on my OWN time, I want a dog that doesn't have to be small enough to cram into a change purse so I can take it on the subway..... there are a ton of things that make me happy in life that just aren't accessible here and I'll do anything I can to have those things back and share my time with the people I love so much.

So....that's where we're at!! Less that two weeks until we hop into our uhaul and head back to the good'ol (swelteringly hot! eeek!) midwest.

I hope that I didn't lose many of my readers once took a slight hiatus from writing on this thing. A bunch of my friends who i had no idea read this thing have been like "What is the DEAL!!!" BUT GUYS....seriously! I'm back and I know that I'll have more desire to write again once my life feels a little more substantial.

Hope everyone is doing well!

Tara

Delivery Service

The other day we were standing in the kitchen after I got home at 9:30 at night after a longggg day of work. Mike said something about how he now understands what they mean by a "New York Minute". The time flies by here. You wake up at 7:00am to get ready for work. You leave your house by nine to get there by 10:30. I usually get home by 8:00 at night. By that point you're starving so you grab a bite to eat and by the time you look at the clock, it's 11:00 and you've got to go to bed to get ready for the same routine the next day. It's insane!!! Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my life away....I don't do anything but work! I have to remember though that I have a "life" at work too. I get to talk to customers and interact with my staff...but sometimes I just feel like I need more than that. MUCH more. I have spent the last two weeks working long, hard hours. In order to make customers happy, I've offered to deliver packages to their houses. I found myself in a cab twice and also delivering dresses by foot to wealthy women across town. I don't mind it so much, as it gets me out of the store for a bit and I can take a breath of fresh air....especially now that the weather is so beautiful. I wonder what it would be like to have things delivered to your apartment that overlooks central park all of the time? I wonder what it'd be like if I was an entrepeneur....if I was able to make my own schedule and be my own boss while doing something I was passionate about? Man, I need to start brainstorming.

When I feel exhausted and overwhelmed, sometimes seeing the beauty of the city from afar gives me a reality check and makes me feel grateful for experiencing all of this. Last night, we climbed up onto the roof and Mike shot these beautiful pictures of the skyline right as the sun had gone down.


I kept wondering if all of the people in all of those lit up windows of the Manhattan skyline feel the same way I feel each day...and if they're embracing those short lived moments of solitude with their families before they have to go to bed.

Quiet morning

...over here in Queens. It feels more like 5am than 9...the apartment is so cold and gray. Why is it that I can never find socks when I need them? It has been raining all night, I keep hearing this noise that sounds like one giant raindrop falling onto a tarp from outside. The cat and I slept in my new room last night. I felt like I was at summer camp or something... anxious about closing my eyes and resting in a new spot. I know I slept, although it doesn't feel like it. Drank some coffee a little while ago, read the news online, now I'm watching Rupert sprawl out on the cold tile. How do their backs bend like that? It has truly hit me that our normal Kate and Tara routine is infinitely finished. I'm upset that she has moved out. I know it is for the best though. It is time for the both of us to experience a new New York. My new NYC is about to start on Friday.

One of my favorite pictures that Mike took last week.

Purple Dolce and Gabana platforms...

...were Betsey's shoes of choice this morning as she burst into our 9am meeting in a whirlwind of color and craziness the way she usually does (and how she does it best!) We spent the better part of the day sitting in on the regional meetings at the showroom. After a short afternoon break, our meeting resumed more casually at a long table in a dimly lit wine room at Freeman's Alley near the Bowery. Chit chatting about sales and retail philosophy over wine and incredible food....I'm absolutely exhausted. By 9pm we were all ready for bed.

I have a crazy day ahead of me tomorrow. Pray for good luck.

Old and new, but still old.

I found a few old photographs of my grandma, Pearl, from when she was around my age. I think these both were taken of her in the 1930's. She grew up in the Bronx and was the only girl (and the youngest) of five kids in her family. Her father was a tailor and handmade all of her clothing. I'm talking about fur coats, suits, petty coats, the whole enchilada. (Must've been who I inherited my fashion itch from!) I used to try to steal all of her old hand tailored trench coats from her bedroom closet when I was younger. Her style was so elegant....

I scanned these pictures in a few weeks ago and keep them on the desktop of my computer. Usually once a day or so I for some reason open them up and stare at them. I just can't get over how time can change you physically. I feel like she is looking right at me in these photographs and that this is a completely different person from the grandma I know today.


My mom has spent the last few days with my grandma in Arizona and has been pretty affected by her sharp decline. Although Pearl has kvetched (yep, there's some Yiddish for ya, folks!) constantly about every single thing for the majority of my mom's life and has driven so many of us crazy for many years, we still hold a deep admiration for the long life she has led and much love for the innocent girl in the pictures above taken 70 years ago and the one below taken 7 hours ago.

Never thought hot weather could feel so good.

Sunday was a well needed day of rest and reflection. Mike and I packed up a knapsack in the morning and we took the train to Central Park after my doctor's appointment. We picked up some sandwiches along the way and set up shop next to a baseball field where there was a group of crazy old men playing a way-too-competitive softball game. We laid in the sun for a few hours and lost track of time. There was no agenda, no place to be, nothing to worry about. I appreciated every single moment. You could tell that all of the smiling couples and families were all feeling the same way that we were - GOOD RIDDANCE TO YOU, WINTER!!

Long long time...

I want to apologize for the lack of posting within the last few weeks. I have been having a really hard time recently. My motivation to write in this blog, or talk, or do anything really except for come home each day and feel emotional had completely disappeared. I think the accumulation of homesickness, sickness, exhaustion and the cold weather really has begun to take a toll on me. Everything seems a little up in the air right now, there is a lot of transition that is about to begin....but like I've been advised by my friends and family....I just need to embrace everything for what it is. I can't continue to lead a life like the one I've been living for the last few weeks. It's definitely not healthy. Definitely not healthy at all. It's amazing what your body can do to itself when you don't take care of yourself.

On a much lighter note....yesterday was the first day of warm weather and the city had an electricity about it that I haven't experienced in as long as I have lived here. Mike and I met up after I got out of work last night and sat in Union Square for a few hours. It was eerily quiet considering the hundreds of people who were just sitting out on the steps, on the benches, in the grass, embracing the long overdue cool breeze swirling around amongst the 80 degree temperature. I watched people of every age chat, relax, stare up at the stars....the blue light from the empire state building casting a cool night time glow over all of us. We sat on a bench for a long time and enjoyed the mood. It was exactly what I needed.

Today we're heading to central park to lay in the sun to catch some rays and melt away all of the depression I've been feeling.

Bummin' around day 2

After being sick for a week and a half with what felt like the Pneumonia I had last year around this time and then having a really busy week back at work, it has felt so good to sloth around my apartment for two days. Ohhhhhh does it feel good! Yesterday I started to feel a little glutenous, but then I thought....GLUTENY? WHO CARES? I DON'T CARE! THE CAT DOESN'T CARE! NEW YORK DOESN'T CARE! Sloth away, Tara! Bum around like you've never bummed around before! That's what days off are for, right? Eh?

So on that note, yesterday I slept in till 11:00, forced myself to go to the grocery store around 2:00, came home, took a nap, ate a little bit, played with Rupert, fell asleep watching The Office season 4, played with Rupert some more and then woke up from nap #3 feeling extremely guilty for doing nothing all day. Kate has been in Austin for four days, so I've been extremely lonely and homesick, not to mention that I miss my boyfriend like crazy! (Who am I?!) So in lew of my newfound solitude-induced depression, I decided to go to the movies to take my mind off of how I've become one of those lonely women obsessed with reality tv, boys and cats. I went to see The Reader in Union Square. It was a great movie but a bit of a downer. Maybe not the best movie to see when you're missing your friends and family and feel like enhaling an entire vat of buttery popcorny goodness. I made a quick stop to Whole Foods afterwards because, well, I was bored and who doesn't like staring at perfectly placed pyramids of fresh vegetables? I picked up a variety of random goods: Peanut butter, seedless red grapes, nectarines and veggie burgers. Oh, and also a very over-priced bottle of fizzy water. "Mojo cool" to be exact. I then hopped onto the train and got home around 10:30. I started another movie on my netflix but fell asleep 20 minutes into it. Sorry Parker Posey, I tried my best to stay awake!

Today seems to be trending very similarly to yesterday. I must have fallen asleep on the couch because I woke up around 7:30AM to Rupert meowing and pawing at my face. I gave him some food and then laid back down in my bed. Re-awoke around 10:30 am. Have played on the computer for a couple of hours doing the neccessary scan through all of my favorite blogs. I then received a buzz at my door and discovered a very robotic looking package sitting infront of our mailbox!






I received a bar mitzfah-themed greeting card that read, "Dear Tara, congrats on the Mitzvah, it has been a long journey but you are finally a man. Enclosed are two mugs (you may want to use the enclosed hand sanitizer on the mugs. They are from savers), the MP3 cd you requested and a brand new copy of Spooky Sounds." I laughed for a long time. I needed something to cheer me up and almost make me shoot coffee out of my nose all over myself. Thanks Robot, I love you. You're a great brother.

Suddenly, I am feeling an inspirational itch to be productive! (I would hope so, it's 3:00 in the afternoon!) I need to do laundry, clean the house before Kate gets home (Eeeeeek!!) and take a shower. I will also try to be more productive with writing in my blog. This last week has been so long and tiring, I couldn't find much motivation to do anything, let alone the inspiration to write about anything interesting!

I will leave you with a few pictures of Mike's cat. He has been a great source of entertainment. It's funny how easily distracted cats can be. They think they're wiser than dogs, but I've never seen a living creature become so infatuated with a runaway grape on the floor or the shadow of their own tail.