Friday, December 11, 2009

Nostalgic.

The other day I started to reminisce about 2008 and everything that had happened from then until now. I went back and began reading my very first posts in this blog and couldn't help but become immersed in the crazy beginnings of my life in the big apple. I am so amazed at how much I had experienced while I was in NYC....and that I had the guts to go in the first place considering the small town that I was leaving and the vastness of the one that would soon become my home. It began so frantically - "You have to be there in two weeks from now if you take this position!" I sold everything I possibly could in two week's time and packed what was left into four precious boxes. I gave my dog of five years away and said goodbye to friendships that ultimately wouldn't survive the miles separating us. I remember sitting on the airplane and giggling the entire time....my nerves were so intense and my anxiety was skyrocketting but I was too excited to care. I read the "Tourist's guide to New York" front and back over and over again and tried desperately to ignore the handwritten letter hiding on the inside flap from someone I once loved. From the moment I hopped off of the escalator in the JFK airport, the days flew by....each one bringing their own whirlwind of emotions. I always have flashbacks of how terrified I was taking my first subway train by myself, how taken aback I was by the city skylines while speeding down the BQE in a blaze of red. All of the friends that came into my life so quickly and and out of it just as fast. I remember my first steps in that elusive white tent at Bryant Park. There was that night where we drove to Philly just for the hell of it. And that time I accidentally got on the wrong train (three times) and ran into a friend who I knew from my 17 year-old days in California. I moved four times in one year. I worked so hard to accumulate my own personal belongings and then worked so hard to control my emotions when it came time to throw all of them, bug-ridden, in a trash pile on the side of the road. I remember the smell of the steam that came out of the streets, the first time it snowed and how exciting it was. Having to pull a chain that lifted a metal gate in order to get into my store and then having grease all over my hands afterward. I remember feeling so lonely. So lonely. But that lonliness only made me appreciate those who embraced me right away so much more. I loved Astoria more than any other part of the city. I miss our apartment and how homey it felt. I didn't mind the 11-block hike from the train up 30th avenue because I enjoyed walking past the fruit stands, meat shops and bodegas. I miss sitting on the fire escape and drinking beer on the roof in the middle of the night with Mike...staring at the skyline and thinking to myself that there were more people on that island than there were stars that I could see in the sky.

Although there is so much that I miss, I remember how anxious I was to get out of Manhattan. I remember walking through central park on my lunch breaks, crying and trying my hardest to get through the work day....daydreaming about a house with a backyard. Maybe even having a dog again someday. To be honest, it's hard looking back because I think the only thing that really made it difficult living there was my job. I always wonder....if I hadn't been working 60+ hours a week for a major corporation, and instead had done something for MYSELF that simultaneously was financially lucrative, would I have stayed? How could a retail environment be SO stressful when there are people who survive in that city who find themselves in much more intense work situations? I'll never know.

Mike, Rupert and I spent five days in a Budget truck driving across the country. When we arrived to our new house, I remember sitting at our breakfast table next to eachother and bursting into tears because I was so happy to feel normalcy again. It was a weird moment between us. Me feeling happy, Mike feeling anxious about this place that is so different from anything he has ever known. Plus it was 105 degrees outside. Six months later, our lives are entirely different from the ones we knew at the beginning of 2009.

I'm going to be 25 in 11 days. We live in Texas again..... and we're having a baby next year. So so so different from my life a year ago. It's amazing to wonder what experiences the next year will bring.

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