Thursday, September 16, 2010

Missing her already.

my grandma on her wedding day

My mom and uncle spent the last few days together in Fort Lauderdale this past week playing violin and flute duets for my grandma while she lay inattentive in her hospice bed. As her remaining days in this world slowly dwindle down to an end, I find myself repeating the moment in my mind when we met for the last time just a few weeks ago. She didn't even know who I was. I feel so sad that it was only the first time for her and Quinn to meet, only because she was already gone by that point. I feel awful that I didn't get to spend time with her while she was still coherent. I didn't really get to say goodbye. I am so sad. She had no idea, but the nurses had applied that same shade of orange lipstick to her lips. My mom said, "You could always put your lipstick on perfectly without a mirror!" and Pearl just stared back. Stared right through us. She still looked like the grandma that I knew. How can your thoughts and memories wither away so suddenly? This is the first time that I will have experienced a direct family member dying. And although my grandma was never extremely close to all of us, it is heartbreaking to know that she will no longer be here and Quinn will never know her. I have been staring at these pictures of my relatives that my mom and uncle found and scanned for about twenty minutes now. I can't describe how cool it is to see my grandma and grandpa at 18 years old on their wedding day, goofing off on the beach with their friends, riding around on horses, just smiling and having fun. Who were these people? What were the 30's and 40's like? These photos really give me a new found glimpse into their lives when they were my age...I never had the opportunity to know them but these photos somehow give me the feeling that I did. And wow, pictures of my GREAT grandparents. So that's what they looked like! My great grandpa was so handsome. He was a tailor...I think that's where I get my love for sewing from. And the big family photo of my grandma (second from the Right), her three brothers and their wives. My great aunt Mattie (three from the left) who was in her 70's when I used to play with her Russian Dolls on the shag carpet in her living room and she used to spoil us with unlimited amounts of ice cream. I loved her so much.

I feel so nostalgic when looking at these photos. I wish I could have been there with them. I wish I could have really gotten to know my grandparents...ALL of the many relatives in my family who passed away before I had the opportunity to have a conversation with them and get to ask questions about their experiences. I can't believe that all of these lives are just...over. I will never know anything about these people. I guess the strangest thing of all is that someday Quinn's children's children might be looking at these same pictures (will we even have tangible photos that far from now?) but instead it will be me and Mike goofing off and showing them what it was like to be in your 20's back in the day. Maybe this blog will be around for the next sixty years of my life, I want them to know who I was and what I loved to do.

Grandpa on their wedding day

She looked like a movie star!
Grandma walking on the Coney Island boardwalk

My great grandparents and my grandma as a little girl
My grandpa goofing off at 15 years old
my grandma is the little girl in the middle, those are her parents and three brothers.

grandma and grandpa posing together.


Geoff Maingart said...

Hi Tara,
By the way, your Grandma is there with her 4 brothers, Carl, Jackie, Murray and Wesley. We have to sit one day and I will tell you all about them. Dad was a major horseman and said he never rode again after he married. There are still so many pictures that I want to scan. It shows about 70 years of our family's life and how different it was back then. You will be amazed at the history. We have to really document this and luckily we can do it with photos. Now we have a new edition thanks to you. We should write the story before it is forgotten.
Love, Uncle Geoff

Jess said...

Tara, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I wish I could be there to give you a big hug. You're in my thoughts and prayers, as always. I feel like I knew your grandmother from the stories you told me before, and now these pictures give me an even more beautiful idea of the person she was.

You've done a wonderful job keeping her memory alive through this post, and I know that you will pass that along to Quinn.

Love you.

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