Thursday, February 17, 2011

When will we get to slow down?

We have been asking eachother that question so often lately. You would think that being as tired as we are would make the days drag by, but it doesn't help life slow down. It just helps you get through each day in a foggy, heavy-headed trance. Each morning, my first concious moments begin by listening to Quinn cry from the room across from ours as I drift in and out of sleep. I'll stare at the alarm clock, watching the minutes fly by. 4:00am, 4:37am, 5:02am, 5:30am, 5:46am. My thought process is always, "Oh, awesome, it's only 4:00. I still have a ton of time to keep sleeping." But before I know it, it's time to get up and get ready for work. Sometimes if there is time before I have to leave, we will all pile into the bed (including Rigby) and play together, grasping onto those few fun moments with the baby before we have to start working. Lately, Quinn is loving her newfound ability to stand up. She climbs on top of us as if we are little ladders, so proud of herself once she pulls herself up into a standing position on top of our stomachs or other random places on our bodies. She is interested in everything, always wanting to stick her curious findings into her mouth. She is fascinated by my hair. She grabs onto it and tries to eat it. We are working on being gentle when we pet the animals. She is full-blown running in her walker and crawling across the house. She talks like crazy, always chatting away!

And then I go to work...and it seems like forever that I'm away. And when I am away, I feel lost and uninspired. I feel stagnant and unencouraged. I miss when I used to learn something new each day. When the people I looked up to were incredible mentors who taught me valuable skills that improved not only the value of my work but the also the value in my life. I miss inspiring others and feeling like I make a difference.

If I had that kind of meaning back in my life, it wouldn't be so hard to be away from my family.

And after going through the world each day in a foggy daze, with nothing exciting to snap me out of it until I get home and get to love on my still seems to be going by so quickly. Quinn is developing so fast and it reminds me that I am missing out on so much. I have a few hours each day when I get to watch her turn into the blossoming girl that she is becoming and I think about all of the moments that I miss and can never get back.

Mike is working so hard on his business so that he can support us and help us lead a fantastic life. For the past few weeks it has been constant 16 hour days. Traveling across the state of Texas or trapped in his has been tough for everyone but I am so proud of him for working so hard and diligently. I wish I had something that felt as meaningful, productive and worthwhile.

Having a child has completely turned my throught process around. A year ago I would have been fine with the place that I'm at. But these days, I just want to be around her to inspire her and develop her as much as I can, and if I'm not with her, I want to be doing something that will inspire me and develop me as much as possible so in turn I can pass that all onto her some day.

Ahhh. Tara. What to do, what to do.


Jamie said...

I feel your angst my friend! The stress of life now compared to the days before us when you could actually spend time enjoying family and life, are now replaced with the necessity to work (most likely in an uninspiring environment) just to make ends meet. I battle the same thoughts and feelings daily; just confirming you are not alone in your struggles.

Jess said...

Hey Tara,

Hang in there! I know the feeling (not the family part), but being uninspired, being in a job environment you don't love... I know you and Mike will figure this out. You've been in my thoughts a lot lately; I miss you terribly. I'm seriously considering moving back to Texas in May... Hopefully we'll be reunited soon!

Love you, my dear,


Marissa {Petal & Ink} said...

Aww, I'm sorry you're feeling so uninspired, Tara. I hope things change soon. Hang in there!

Quinn is just getting cuter and cuter!

Daisy said...

"And when I am away, I feel lost and uninspired. I feel stagnant and unencouraged."

This really resonates in me. Its how I've been feeling for quite sometime... This place just doesn't do anything for me anymore. I just feel like the days go by and that's it.

Anyway, I'm happy I found this blog in my bookmarks. Glad your little girl is growing and is glowing with happiness. Also, good luck on the Designer competition! I think you will pass to the next round!

Nice catching up with you!

- Daisy

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