Missing her already.

my grandma on her wedding day

My mom and uncle spent the last few days together in Fort Lauderdale this past week playing violin and flute duets for my grandma while she lay inattentive in her hospice bed. As her remaining days in this world slowly dwindle down to an end, I find myself repeating the moment in my mind when we met for the last time just a few weeks ago. She didn't even know who I was. I feel so sad that it was only the first time for her and Quinn to meet, only because she was already gone by that point. I feel awful that I didn't get to spend time with her while she was still coherent. I didn't really get to say goodbye. I am so sad. She had no idea, but the nurses had applied that same shade of orange lipstick to her lips. My mom said, "You could always put your lipstick on perfectly without a mirror!" and Pearl just stared back. Stared right through us. She still looked like the grandma that I knew. How can your thoughts and memories wither away so suddenly? This is the first time that I will have experienced a direct family member dying. And although my grandma was never extremely close to all of us, it is heartbreaking to know that she will no longer be here and Quinn will never know her. I have been staring at these pictures of my relatives that my mom and uncle found and scanned for about twenty minutes now. I can't describe how cool it is to see my grandma and grandpa at 18 years old on their wedding day, goofing off on the beach with their friends, riding around on horses, just smiling and having fun. Who were these people? What were the 30's and 40's like? These photos really give me a new found glimpse into their lives when they were my age...I never had the opportunity to know them but these photos somehow give me the feeling that I did. And wow, pictures of my GREAT grandparents. So that's what they looked like! My great grandpa was so handsome. He was a tailor...I think that's where I get my love for sewing from. And the big family photo of my grandma (second from the Right), her three brothers and their wives. My great aunt Mattie (three from the left) who was in her 70's when I used to play with her Russian Dolls on the shag carpet in her living room and she used to spoil us with unlimited amounts of ice cream. I loved her so much.

I feel so nostalgic when looking at these photos. I wish I could have been there with them. I wish I could have really gotten to know my grandparents...ALL of the many relatives in my family who passed away before I had the opportunity to have a conversation with them and get to ask questions about their experiences. I can't believe that all of these lives are just...over. I will never know anything about these people. I guess the strangest thing of all is that someday Quinn's children's children might be looking at these same pictures (will we even have tangible photos that far from now?) but instead it will be me and Mike goofing off and showing them what it was like to be in your 20's back in the day. Maybe this blog will be around for the next sixty years of my life, I want them to know who I was and what I loved to do.

Grandpa on their wedding day

She looked like a movie star!

Grandma walking on the Coney Island boardwalk

My great grandparents and my grandma as a little girl

My grandpa goofing off at 15 years old

my grandma is the little girl in the middle, those are her parents and three brothers.
Hehe.

grandma and grandpa posing together.

Inspiration for la nostra casa

I have a ton of DIY home projects planned for the moment we have some extra cash moneyyyy in our pockets. The one thing that I am most excited about building with my womanly hands of steel is an incredible headboard for our bare-bones bed that I was inspired by on one of the design blogs that I read. Mike's dad is going to bring a wood cutter and help me build it when our families come out for Christmas. These naked walls and empty rooms in this house are begging for some flair. ::Taraaaa... decorate ussss. Make us feel unique and coooool....we envy the closet because it has so much color inside of it. And the closet is always gloating to us about how lame we are. He acts like such an elitist. Uhgg::

Wow. Envisioning my house talking out loud like that just rekindled a bit of the terror that ensued within my being after I watched Poltergeist for the first time as a kid.

I am always drawn to bold bursts of color, eye catching tapestries, floral everything and vintage inspired knick-knack HEAVEN!

Workin' it.

I can't believe the time has come to return to the store. How did ten weeks go by so quickly? My first day back to work was on Friday and it was bitter sweet. Maybe a little more bitter than sweet. Not that I was bitter. Am I using the wrong word? Tart, maybe. Hmm....no, let's try...spicy? Wait. Uh, anyway, I was excited to see my staff, laugh and feel social, be around people who didn't drool on me (well, some do when they come in after they hit up happy hour. Drunk stories could take up 43875 more posts in this blog.) At the same time, I have been missing Quinn something awful every time I am away from her for more than an hour. I am home today but of course Quinn is taking a nap and I just want to WAKE HER UP so I can give her infinite kisses and maybe knaw on her little cheeks and Michelin man limbs like she is some kind of cupcake with a pulse. Uhhhhg. How am I going to be away from her from here on out? I feel so upset. I think I have convinced myself that she has grown a full 9098540385 inches since Friday. It has only been three days and I am pretty sure she might be entering toddlerhood. Is that a tooth I see? I walked into her bedroom and saw her changing her own diaper. She's so advanced already. She just asked me if she could get a tattoo and I told her no, not until she is 45...which most-likely will be next week the way time is flying.

I guess I've just got to get a grip and try to handle this stage of motherhood like the rest of the working mothers out in the world do every day. This'll sure be a test to see how long I can keep it together before I am bursting into tears every five seconds. Ahhhhg.

Oh great, a tear just plummeted onto my pants. I made it .02 seconds. Not a good start.

Two months old! Time for a recap!

Quinn is two months and one week old!

The last few weeks have been particularly fun for Mike and I because Quinn has started to develop such a fun little personality. It has been so exciting waking up each morning and wondering what the new day will bring out of our little sugar-sack doppelganger daughter.

This month, Quinn has started to smile! And not only smile...but coo, giggle and discover her voice. My favorite moment's of these have been during her 4am feedings. After she guzzles down her bottle (eating about five to six ounces now!) we often lay in bed together and I find myself listening to her talk and talk and talk until 4:30 or 5:00. She tends to laugh a lot when we change her diaper (and the intensity of the laugh tends to coordinate with the intensity of her bowel movements, strangely...) She laughs a lot when I show her episodes of Stella (sense of humor just like her parents!) and when she plays the game that Mike developed called "Daddy Invasion" where he gets really close to her and waits for her to giggle and push him away with her (insanely powerful) legs. I find myself spending crazy amounts of time and effort figuring out ways to make her laugh. This has by far been one of the most entertaining recent pasttimes of mine!

Another really awesome thing that Quinn has started to discover is her sense of touch. It started when I decided to read one of our little books to her that has different fabrics in it depending on the animal. I would open her hands and guide her to touch the different pages of the book. Eventually she started to do it on her own and reach to touch the cotton, the velvet, etc. It was amazing! The next morning we put her on her little activity mat and she was actually reaching for the hanging toys and touching them. In addition to that, as I was laying with her yesterday, she began to gently touch my hair and my face. She had so much control of her motor skills. Her latest thing is sticking her entire fists in her mouth, which I think might qualify for some kind of Guinness Record like "Record for the smallest yet cavernous baby mouth." I'm hoping she doesn't become a thumb sucker...but I guess there are worse things in life than thumb-sucking-induced modified teeth? Anyway, it is so incredible watching her learn these things so quickly at just nine weeks old. Unbelievable.

In addition to those things, she has developed a lot of independence as far as her strength goes. She has always tried to lift her head by herself. The first day we ever brought her home was when we first noticed how strong her little neck was! Now she holds her head up pretty much on her own! I have tried putting her in her little bumbo chair but I think she still has some time before she can keep herself from leaning from side to side. It's pretty cute seeing her body compact into a little loaf of bread when we stick her in it though. Hahaha!

Thanks to this newly developed strength of her hulk-like vertabrae, I'm really excited to be able to carry her Kangaroo style in the sling so she can become more aware of her surroundings. I tried it a few weeks ago but her head kept flopping around (whoops!) The sling is sooooo convenient. Thanks Katie for inspiring me to purchase one! Going out in public can be a bit of a pain if we want to bring the car carrier or the stroller. Slipping her into the sling is so quick and she usually falls asleep as soon as she is pressed up against me. Yesterday my step mom and I went to wall-mart and immedately, Quinn passed out and we were able to shop around.

We have begun taking baths with Quinn. I tried it a few times when she was a week or so old and she screamed the "billy goat" scream (which is both awful and hillarious to listen to! Boohoo.) Using her baby bath tub to bathe her in has been a breeze since I discovered the trick of placing a warm washcloth on her hoo-haa to make her stop crying and feel a little more secure being naked in public. Don't worry Quinn, mommy has the same anxieties, haha. Since she has been so calm in the water, I decided to try taking a bath with her again a couple of weeks ago and she lovvvvved it. She is incredibly bouyant...which seems really odd. I guess having a giant budah belly makes it easy to float. (Wait, then what is my excuse??) As soon as I sit her in the water with me, she immedately starts to float on her back. She also does this little thing with her tongue where she sticks it in and out like a lizard. Rigby enjoys sitting next to the tub if we're in there and licking water off of her face. I like watching his face twitch when he eats a little bit of soap. I can't wait until we get a video camera so that we can record all of these epic moments.

This last month has been so much fun! We are really becoming intune with Quinn. There are very few times within the last few weeks where we have had to struggle to figure out what she was crying and freaking out about. Mike, remember those nights of you sweatily pacing full-speed for hours in a giant circle through the house with all of the lights out so she wouldn't be able to focus on anything and hopefully pass out? Glad those nights are few and far between! It feels really good to have a better sense of what her wants and needs are...I feel much more confident as a parent. Honestly, I really thought that having a baby would be so much more difficult than what we have had to go through. Such a pleasant surprise!

Those eyes...